I can’t really see all the ways how the year sped by so quickly, but when thinking of my continued transformation it’s clear. So much has happened. For me, for you, for everyone on this planet. And so much has not budged. But there is a reflective energy that is present now. It allows me to really be thankful for being alive. And even more thankful for ALL the challenges that 2020 presented to me. I leaned on the patience that I developed as a mom of three and especially with my twins. I let go of old habits and behaviors that used to steal my joy, because joy was still here for me this year. In this post, I am sharing what really pushed me to not wait another day, week or year to really live my life now.
I Honored my boundaries of what I deserved and allowed in my life.
Issues surrounding the protocol of the pandemic caused me to stand up for my personal space and more importantly my energy. I have become more vocal in my self honoring principal of self love. Because of this, I chose to really take no shit. From myself, family and others that I connected with since January. It wasn’t the easiest process to identify and take hold to defeat. Not just because I am a reforming people pleaser, but because of the pushback I knew would come from those closest to me when I set these boundaries. Consistency was a good tool because the more I said no and didn’t give in, was the more that others respected my position. Boundaries are a beautiful thing.
I got uncomfortable in working for other people.
When my work situation with my family business became severely affected by COVID-19 limitations, I made the tough decision to stay at home with my children and create a plan for real this time that would allow me to work with more flexibility. The minute I made that choice, an underline theme of anxiety was a constant presence. Although I didn’t show that I was bothered by anything, inside I was manically screaming. I made several attempts to freelance in healthcare and customer service. But it seemed the more I tried to acclimate myself to these positions, my disapproval raged on. I got more anxiety, that was showing up. I was still establishing my boundaries and it seems working for others pushed the line into clear view. So after parting ways from those opportunities, feeling guilt ridden for not taking the path of least resistance, I got down to fine tuning my vision and mission for my Business and my life as it it today. This is still a work in progress, but I am comfortable in the space of creating any business model and plan that keeps me focused on what it is I truly am here to offer to others.
I released control of my children.
I don’t really know how to explain how it occurred other than to share examples that add clarity. After relocating due to my change of employment, I had to Crete a serious plan and structure for my children that are still home and negotiate with my young adult as necessary. This plan was not going to make me overbearing and rigid, like I had been when they were much younger. We were all having to adjust, but I wanted to keep some harmony in our lives. (Side note: my youngest children and I have a been growing through depression and anxiety for about a year and COVID made it harder to deal at times). We kept homeschooling a priority, but with a more unschooling flow. I just gave the schedule for the week, reviewed the course options and let go of the reigns to see what would develop. I did the same thing with chores and any other things we did at home. As with the journey of fraternal twins, they developed more individuality during 2020. So many things were easy and so many were difficulties I sometimes didn’t want to face. With homeschooling some, things worked for one while others were lessons I continue to learn from. I chose to lean on love and acceptance with my children. My oldest was and is still finding his way and I’m here for it. His journey of discovery has shown him that he can do it without the help of his parents. He can make choices that aren’t favorable and still win. If he puts his effort into something and it doesn’t grow, then it’s ok to move on. I wanted and still desire to be the most important person in my children’s lives, but I am leaving room to be next to themself as the other. We are more connected, nurturing and free with one another now during this pandemic than years past. Change continues to be good for us.
I forgave myself and others.
I’ve shared this experience socially numerous times because it seemed to be a difficult area in my life. Having experienced trauma, pain and hurt so frequently, getting to the root of my subconscious hold on unforgiving left me physically ill. I had said the words out loud, in my mind, to those who asked for it and even those that didn’t. But it still held a place in my heart and mind. You see, I have been the strong friend that everyone thinks doesn’t let things affect them. I have been that vulnerable relative that gets overwhelmed by there emotions. I have been that angry woman with boundaries so high I could hardly catch my breathe. And memories of all those experiences and past hurts that I vowed to release still had access to the peace I have been cultivating all throughout my life. Instead of dwelling on what I had forgotten to release or forgive, I chose to welcome forgiveness into my life without prejudice, even beyond my confusing emotions. I just welcomed it all in forgiveness. Always asking for it for myself first. With so much discipline for almost the whole year,I spoke these words daily. “I forgive myself and others for all things known and unknown.” It has eased my physical pain, allowing me to reclaim the air that I Breathe as my own.
I took my business seriously.
I can’t say that I have not been serious about my business. But I can say that Sometimes doubt got the better of me. As an entrepreneur, a title I now hold with dignity, I honor the work that is set before me. Even if I don’t have all the answers or lack the words to vocalize my purpose, I no longer doubt it as my mission. I have learned through this pandemic being in effect most of 2020 that versatility is a strength that leads to focus. When too many things are causing me distracted, I do what comes naturally. I gather the information that is stored in my habits that brought me success in the past and add focus and clarity to those intentions. I am enthusiastic within my purpose, outside of the many ways it can be done, cultivating my creative gifts continuously reveals they’ve been with me all along.
I accepted my life as it was and changed what was within my control.
There’s a saying that goes when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well I made lemonade, lemon juice, lemon pops, you name it. I got good at seeing the bigger picture of what my life still had to offer me. I didn’t get lost in the fear and anxiety that made several guest appearances. I just told myself, I got this far already so I might as well keep going. I said it as many times as I needed to hear it. Those things that I allowed to get beyond my control, were grateful lessons for me to not be complacent. So staying in a place of gratitude developed my acceptance of the uncontrollable things in my life. Putting my strategies into action showed me that I have the power to change what I can when I do the work to look deeper than what is on the surface of a specific challenge or circumstance. In the past, fear and anxiety again held me hostage to not seeing any other options. Options that were always there, if I chose to see them.
All these experiences and opportunities to shift my life have kept me accountable to no one but myself. This year reminded me that I am still in the midst of my life. If I choose to not see or do or think or be then I am limiting my full potential that can’t be defeated by Covid-19, by quarantine or anything that is uncontrollable to me. I am choosing to not let everything that could go wrong and will at times, defeat my existence. I choose to not just let my vulnerabilities and insecurities be a reminder of any of what hasn’t happened for me. I choose to see the moments of true growth and transformation in between and focus my energy there. That’s where my joy is. That’s where my boundaries are magnified. That is where my children are beautiful reflections of the goodness and love still in my life. That is where my forgiveness and compassion live. That is where my Entrepreneurial spirit thrives. That is where love and acceptance for myself beat deeply within my heart and I let go of everything else. So allow this to remind you of everything you have faced and may still be going through. Those areas that are between each experience and moment will give you the very best of what is for you. Everything comes to test your commitment to your life, the one you choose each day. As I always say, keep growing with the flow no matter how much it may force you to be true to you. Have a great week.Stay safe, Stay well, Stay Blessed.